She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
