Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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