The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize