If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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