yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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