Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
