morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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