You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
