My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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