what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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