when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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