did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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