this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
