you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
