Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
