I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
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