if i can run in heels then i can drive
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
