i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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