Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
