yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
