How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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