He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
