just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
