I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
