I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
