Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
