I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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