Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.