So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.