I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
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Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
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I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...