last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen