So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
This baby is an asshole
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
