Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I need water and some morals
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
