but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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