does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
