Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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