you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
