You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
