Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
