I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
