It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
