Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
