I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
we should paint friendship bongs
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