watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
