i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
In other news, I just burned my penis
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.