totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage