she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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