Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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