I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
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Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
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Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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