dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
