The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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