Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
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I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
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Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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