Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
