Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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