I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
