I need to stop coming to work sober
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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