So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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