Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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