If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
